Family

Why Does Vlinder Work? Behavior Management

By | September 2nd, 2017|Tags: , , , , , , , |

Good question! Something that I, as the creator, should be able to explain to you.

For those that have never read my blogs…Vlinder is a behavior management game or program that uses positive reinforcement to reward clearly set expectations. For more information visit the website.

This is not about how to play or even how it works…this is about WHY it works. The ABC’s of behavior management rests on three aspects: antecedents, behaviors and consequences. Antecedents are events that occur before behaviors present themselves. If a child doesn’t have a good meal, didn’t get enough sleep, and got news that they weren’t going to their friends house then those are the antecedents to the temper tantrum that followed. The tantrum is the behavior that you are trying to discourage. Parents generally have a built in consequence for poor behaviors which can be anything from avoidance to a time-out or even worse.

Taking this example and using Vlinder means that you set the expectations before the antecedents have a chance to impact behavior. Clearly the child is in no shape for a play date. Expectations are set for what is reasonable for them to achieve the goal either later in that day or the next day. What can they do to earn this time? Have a rest or eat more breakfast? Complete some of their morning responsibilities. Note that in this example they are not losing their playdate…they are working towards it. You have gotten the same result without a tantrum.

That is the simple explanation of why Vlinder works. We looked at the ABC’s of behavior management and we took control at “A” (antecedents).

There are times of the day that are typically more stressful than others. If you use Vlinder to structure time you will be amazed at how much smoother time will play out. Not only will you have more cooperation but you will have more time for yourself as your players know what they have to do…as their expectations have already been laid out for them.

As with any behavior management program, results will vary. I am the first to admit that the first couple of times that you try this new approach it can be confusing for your child and a tantrum may still follow. Habits are hard to break. As they come to see that you follow through with your promises they will begin to work hard. Stay positive as you see them trying. When they question just acknowledge that this is not earning their “stamps” (part of the game) to go to their play date.

For more parenting tips or information on using positive reinforcement visit my website at www.ourbreakthroughs.com!

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Take 5

By | August 22nd, 2017|Tags: , , , , , , |

Today I’m here to help you be more mindful the next time you are angry with your child and trying to give a lesson in the moment. The problem is that we are tunnel visioned when we are angry and less rational. Why is that a problem? Your child is learning more then one lesson from you during this interaction.

First they are learning how to communicate. They may not yell at you, but they may start yelling at their siblings to express their anger. They may point their finger, ignore whats being said, shake their head, any number of mannerisms that you portray. Kids model what they see. If you want to raise a child who is respectful to loved ones, even during argument, best to cool down before preceding with the lesson. 

Second they are learning about respect. My husband tells our sons they have to respect him because he is their father. In the same conversation we teach them that respect is earned. It is a confusing message. I make every effort not to correct my husband in front of our children, so the only way that I can make sure that I am earning their respect in my conversations with them is to be sure that I am heard and then listen back.

Finally they are learning about consistency. If you allow yourself the time to think about your course of action then you are allowing yourself time to be consistent with your parenting.

It’s easy to fly off the hook when you get angry and yell at your child for something they’ve done. Im just asking for you to stop and think for a moment.  You’re providing more than one lesson in the moments following an event than you may think. It’s worth a five minute breather, to collect your thoughts, get a sip of water and then tackle the problem.

For more parenting tips or information on using positive reinforcement visit my website at www.ourbreakthroughs.com!

A Child’s First Pet

By | June 10th, 2017|Tags: , , , |

Parents reach a point in their child’s lives when they start thinking about pet ownership. It is a wonderful way to teach responsibility and empathy. It is not a decision to be taken lightly. Far to many pets are left abandoned as a result of a fun family endeavor. Here are some considerations to review before a trip to the pet store.

How old is your child? The age of your child can dictate what type of pet you should get, or if you should get one at all. If you have a baby wait to get a family pet. Your baby will get the lions share of the attention, and rightly so. This will make it more difficult for your pet to connect with your family. Younger children do well with pets confined to cages. That makes it easier to monitor their play and gives the pet a break from eager hands. As your children age so does their ability to accept more responsibility. Remember that if you are getting a teenager a pet that eventually that pet will likely become your responsibility. 

How aggressive is your child? Children learn a lot about empathy by owning a pet, they don’t come by it naturally. The more aggressive your child the more you may want to think about starting the lesson by buying a fish. Remember the safety of the animal as well as the safety of the child. Animals will follow their instincts and defend themselves, which can be a ticket to the pound.

How responsible is your child? The newness of owning a pet can be thrilling and the list of chores that are added to your child’s daily routine seem minute compared to the fun to be had; however, when the newness wears off are you prepared to be consistent in your discipline? Responsibility has to be learned and won’t be if you takeover care of the pet.

Is your child prepared for a new pet? Kids come up with all sorts of reasons for wanting a pet, but are they prepared? With the internet at our fingertips, there is no excuse for them not to know what they are getting into. You can learn about the tendencies of a breed, what they eat, what type of habitat they thrive in and how to train them. You can also learn what specific behaviors mean. For example, a dog wagging his tail may mean he is happy, but it could also mean that they are anxious.

How serious is your child about pet ownership?  Does your child have a lot of good ideas but poor follow through? If that is the case, think about getting a pet with a short life span or one that is up there in years. It is a lot better than having to take over care and allow your child to learn that it is ok to give up on a responsibility. It would be even worse to abandon a pet because you weren’t prepared to care for it yourself.

Pets are a lot of fun and a lot of work. With the right game plan everybody can win in this exciting time. Whatever your decision, remember to spay or neuter your pet.

For more please come visit my website at www.ourbreakthroughs.com.

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Summer is Here Now What?

By | May 29th, 2017|Tags: , , , , , |

School is almost over and families everywhere are planning for summer. The last thing you want is to have kids hanging around playing video games. We no longer live in an age where one can say, “Be back before dark”. Where are the days when summer meant lazing around the pool with friends! The good news is that caregivers everywhere can add event coordinator to their resume. I was amazed to find out what that involved.

I’ve done some research on the web and I’m exhausted looking at what parents do nowadays to keep their children entertained. Making daily plans, setting summer goals, finding daycare, camps, daily journals, playdates, outings, daily and weekly activities just to name a few. Alone they don’t seem daunting but none of the websites I found had just one of them…they had all of them. Think about how much this costs. It’s unreasonable in this economy. Many families can’t keep up. Lets not forget about families where both parents work. How do they find the time?  Keeping up with the Joneses is no longer about a white picket fence…

I decided to brainstorm and come up with some ideas of my own.

  1. Mom clubs Plan with other moms to trade off. Your kids will be out of the house a day or two a week depending on how you structure your club.
  2. Hire a babysitter Someone who will be your helper. You can train and learn how to work together the best. You probably won’t be paying them as but as they learn and progress you can pay them more. Perhaps you will feel more comfortable letting your kids have more freedom around the neighbor hood or on adventures, your choice. In the meantime you are helping another kiddo get some valuable skills.
  3. Have a structured behavior chart Explain to your kiddos what you want them to do and reward them when they accomplish it. (www.ourbreakthroughs.com)
  4. Phone Numbers Put up a list of friend’s phone numbers next to the family telephone so that they can call friends during the summer to stay in touch.
  5. Reading Club Start a reading club where kids can meet and talk about the latest books. This would be particularly helpful for the working parent that needs to have their groups held later in the day to stay involved.

I am overwhelmed with the expectations that are put on parents these days. I think when you take one or two of the examples above like playdates and daily journal and put them together for a day that is more than enough.

For the parents that have older kids I would issue a word of caution. Allow your child to be in charge of their own social calendar. Learning how to find friends is an important skill. Finding playdates for your child ends. If they aren’t asking to make phone calls or have people over it may be a sign for problems that you will want to address.

Kids do not have to be occupied every second of the day. If they are having a slow day they still should keep the electronic devices turned off, slow it down and read a book. I’m now sure if our children know how to manage boredom. They are constantly entertained by cellphones and video games. This need for constant stimulation can be damaging, but that is another blog!

Contact me at my website at www.ourbreakthroughs.com. I would love to hear your comments. Share your ideas. If there is something that you would like to write about then let me know. We can discuss your audience!

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Memory Lane

By | April 9th, 2017|Tags: , |

When I was a little girl my grandparents lived in a grand house that we called “The Ranch”. It had a formal living room with antique furniture from one side to the other. Each piece had its own story of how it had gotten there and where it had been. It was the perfect place for my grandmother, who we affectionately called Mom-mom, to tell the stories of her upbringing in New Castle, England. I don’t know any more about those stories about her adventures then that because I was too young to enter the room during story time. It was a reserved for the older granddaughters. I sat outside the two huge french doors and peeked through a little key hole, hearing only the occasional muffled laugh. I was rather grumpy and bored by the time the doors reopened and I rejoined to the group.

As the years moved on, my grandmother was diagnosed with what we now know is Alzheimers. I never made it into the living room to hear her stories and it is something that puts a lump in my throat, even now some forty years later. So today I’m doing my part for the next generation to make sure this doesn’t happen to them. I want to help facilitate a chat that your child can have with grandma or grandpa that gets the grandchildren past those two “living room doors”…

Here are 10 conversations starters.

  1. When did our family enter the United States? What is our history?
  2. When and how did you meet our Grandma or Grandpa?
  3. Where and when did you get married?
  4. What was going in the world when you were younger?
  5. What was your profession? Is that what you wanted to be?
  6. Who were your childhood heroes?
  7. Do you remember any fads from your childhood? Popular hairstyle?
  8. Where was your favorite vacation?
  9. What accomplishment are you most proud of?
  10. What do you want people to remember about you?

Take 3 or 4 of the questions that most resonate with you. If mom or dad are suffering from dementia or simply need help remembering, ask other relative to help fill in the gaps prior to your visit. This is an opportunity to be a fun trip down memory lane for the whole family, as well as a lesson to remind kids that in Grandma and Grandpa were young once too.  Maybe you could even do this with Great Grandma and Great Grandpa?

As for Mom-mom, on my very last visit, long past her days of recognizing anyone, she stopped, looked me full in the face, put her hand on my cheek and said with all the love in her heart…”you always were my little lamb”. So in the end I feel I got my special moment after all!

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Good Bye Legos

By | March 5th, 2017|Tags: , , , |

When is it time to say good bye to legos? My sons haven’t played with them in years, they are gathering dust on their shelf and they desperately need the space…and yet I find myself asking again when do we box them up and put them away? I’ve been researching this topic for some time. Projects to do with old lego sets. Revamping old lego sets. Setting your lego set. Restoring your lego sets, donating, storing…, etc.  In all of this time I realize that I’m putting forth this effort  because I’m having a difficult time letting go of a “phase” my children went through.  Plus…it has been replaced by the video game phase…and I see no end in sight.

The lego phase was fun and creative. It was interactive and required patience and thought. At the end there was pride in a job well done. There is a large difference between that and now that they have discovered video games. Video games are isolating and often thoughtless. Progress is achieved with skill that is acquired over time. Time that is spent away from friends and family. Although I limit my children’s video time, I compare it with lego time and miss it greatly. Because video time has to be controlled it often involves arguments and tears. Lego time was endless hours on the floor putting together battleships, dragons, superhero space stations, etc.  The only tears were of frustration when tiny pieces couldn’t be found. 

This is more then saying good-bye to legos and re-structuring family life to involve some independent play time.  There have been a lot of phases that I have not given the same thought. Kids grow up so fast. I’ve heard that phrase a lot but today it holds new meaning. Although I don’t find it necessary to eliminate all electronic use in our home, I do have a call for action. I call for more time playing games on the floor, at the table, in the garage…wherever there is space!  There is no use just crying about the end of a phase if you aren’t going to do something about it!  Replace it with something equally fulfilling.  I’m missing time spent with my children.  Done!  And as far as my initial question…I guess I’m going to box them up today.

Some simple steps:

  1. Don’t forget to ask your child – Believe it or not I started the process of deciding when to store their legos months before asking them.  I finally built up the courage and was surprised when my oldest was already on board.   
  2. Have a plan in mind if your child is resistant.  For my younger two we are planning on keeping two or three of their favorites.
  3. Decide how to store and stay consistent. Keep them in their sets or color code. Either way make sure that you keep them in air tight containers. If you are going to go through the process to store them make sure they are usable after you open them again. 
  4. There are plenty of projects to do with mix-matched sets. Research books, websites, etc for ideas if you are not ready to store your legos.

Come visit me on my website at www.ourbreakthroughs.com

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Are You Listening?

By | December 19th, 2016|Tags: , , , , , |

Kids constantly complain that their parents don’t listen.  How can that be true?  We navigate our children through danger and away from harm.  How can we do that without hearing their stories and demands?  Of course we listen.  We listen to the same story endlessly.  We listen at the injustice of elementary school.  We listen and listen and listen.  The fact is they are right, we are not really listening! 

What many of us consider to be the traits of a good listener, in fact, turn out not to be. How many of these listening habits do you fall under? 

  1. Trying to commiserate with similar stories of your own.  How can this be a bad thing?  All you are trying to do is share with your child that they are not alone and that you have been in the same situation.  Well, fact is that you have shifted the conversation to be about you rather then keeping focus on your child.  Better to repeat the feelings that are being shared and let your child know that they are heard.  Who knows what other details they will divulge as the conversation stays about them. 
  1. Shifting the mood of the conversation to be about happier events or times.  I know you are just trying to cheer up your child.  Parent hates to see their child in distress.  Because of your discomfort of seeing your child sad, stressed or angry you are not allowing them to fully express their emotions.  Sit with them in their sadness, stress and anger.  You will gain more insight as to what drives their emotions by practicing good active listening skills.  Repeat what you hear and allow your child to correct any misunderstandings so they feel fully heard. 
  1. Provide solutions or suggestions on how to make things better.  As parents it is part of our job description to help direct our children through life.  That includes allowing them to learn from our mistakes.  WRONG!  If we are to be good listeners then we need to put the teacher hat away and listen to what is being said.  The fact is while we are coming up with solutions we are missing a lot of important information that is being shared.  Problem solving and working together will come in later steps of the conversation, preferably when your child asks for help. 
  1. Correct misunderstandings or misinformation.  Our children have been telling incredible stories all of their lives.  That includes times of high emotion.  As they are sharing their troubles, no matter how misinformed, without allowing them their truth, their reality, you are not truly listening.  You are putting a stopper in their sharing and telling them that their feelings are not valid.  Listening without correcting is truly a gift and one that your child will benefit from in the long term.  After you finish listening to your child they will have a good example of what to do when it is your turn to share your frustrations.  It shouldn’t be about who is right it is about the gift of listening. 

If you begin to listen to your child focusing purely on their needs are as a communicator, then you will be amazed at what you learn about your child.  Good listening skills include repeating what is heard and keeping quiet you feel some of the above habits creeping in.  Sometimes the only solution to your child’s problem will be to have someone who listens to them 100%, just for them. 

For more information on parenting and behavior modification visit us at www.ourbreakthroughs.com or call at 707 773 7654.

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Family Building with Intention

By | October 7th, 2016|

The most important team is family.  A family supports one another to meet their potential.  Without proper recognition of this ultimate goal, we put important family matters on a back burner. To put family first takes intention. We must recognize the need and follow steps to meet that need.  Note I am not suggesting that there has to be a problem for this to be a fact.  In a busy world where we rely on family the most, our efforts to give as much as we take are taxing and stressful. Follow these five steps to identify your need, define your goal and support your team.

The first step is to identify your goal.  I suggested that supporting family members is a need. It is better to be more specific when defining the goal.  Examples are limiting work related events in the home or creating special time to address personal family issues. 

The second step is to brainstorm ideas to meet your goal. Be creative.  Write down all the ideas, no matter how random they seem. 

The third step is to choose which course you wish to follow.  Be specific and write down exactly what you aim to do. 

The fourth step is to implement your solution. Allow for a period of time to pass and be aware of the changes that occur in your home with your new routine. Don’t despair if you are not seeing the results as quickly as you had hoped.  Change takes time.

The final step is to evaluate your results. This is an important step. It lets you know whether or not you have met your goal or if you need to redefine the problem. The important thing is that you have defined a problem, sought a solution and perhaps most important, you are aware.

Follow these steps as many times as needed. Results will vary, dependent on your goal and your definition of success. Using intention to implement new strategies to organize your priorities is already a step in the right direction.

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