Social Skills

Where Did Vlinder Come From

By | September 29th, 2017|Tags: , , , , |

A question I get asked a lot is how I came up with Vlinder. Was it something I played as a child or did I discover it while I was over seas. No…the answer is it is a compilation of a number of things over my career. One thing I like about social service is I am in an element that is easy to learn from others. That is what inspired me to create Vlinder. Picking and choosing the best pieces was the easy part of creating Vlinder.

My background is in Sociology. I believe in the concept that characteristics are developed and maintained within a society or social group rather than existing inherently. That thought should empower you to affect change in your child. This is the first lesson in Vlinder. Change is inevitable because your world is ever-changing. You can impact what it looks like.

In the late 90’s, when I worked first in prison and then with at-risk youth teaching life skills, I took lessons in team building, communication, stress and anger management, motivation and value recognition. You will find each of them interwoven in the game.

In 2006 when I first started having children I began to realize that there is a difference utilizing a program in theory vs. in practicum. I realize that sounds silly since my child was just a baby, but I realized that some of the expectations that I had for others, no longer applied to myself. The lessons themselves were still valid, but the application seemed unrealistic. It was like giving someone the tools without the instruction booklet.

I got another job working with youth and learned the importance of teaching expectations and most important recognizing growth. It wasn’t the first time that I appreciated this practice. It was, however the first time I had see it on such a large scale without the use of another “parenting style”.

At this point I had three children. I made a point not to bring my work home. I didn’t for a number of years, until that fateful day that my own children’s behavior put me over the edge and I realized that I wasn’t utilizing my skills at home. That “aha” moment was the biggest lesson that my children have given me.

I was reminded of the inspiration I had early in my career and how unattainable it felt after having children of my own. Now that my children were of an age when they needed direction I had a chance to make a change.

There are no chapters to read, no questionnaires to fill out, no exercises to complete. Vlinder is an experience for the whole family to benefit from. The beauty of it is that you can personalize it so that it is already part of your routine!

I hope this answers the question. Keep them coming! admin@ourbreakthroughs.com

For those of you that are just joining us, welcome. There is more at www.ourbreakthroughs.com.

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Barriers to Communication

By | May 11th, 2017|Tags: , , , , , , , |

We go through life doing our best to be understood. But lets face it, it can be difficult. So many people coming from so many different walks of life. Each person having their own experience filter which has the ability to distort a message. The best we can do is be aware of the challenges of effective communication and do our part. As parents we do a little more by teaching our kids.

Communication is a skill. Spoken communication relies on three personal factors. First, self-concept, which impacts how you organize your world, which in turn affects how you communicate. Second, the ability to give information clearly and finally being able to listen effectively. Without understanding a message communication cannot take place.

These eight barriers to communication impact all three of the above personal factors. As you read through the list think about how often you are the donor or the recipient. Later you can think about how you can do it differently.

1. Perception and interpretation  It is not possible for two people to experience the same thing the same way. We all come from different genetics, backgrounds, education, experience, etc which all impact the way we take and interpret information.

2. Generalizations and bias  We are used to seeing things a certain way and it takes effort to open our minds.

3. Jumping to conclusions  We often get to the outcome before we have been given all of the facts.

4. Assumptions  The idea that perceptions are unique is all but ignored when someone presumes that others thoughts are like their own.

5. Multiple meanings  All messages can have different meanings when viewed from different angles or different perspectives.

6. Dilution  A message loses its intended meaning the more interpretations or people it passes through.

7. Message sent, but not received  This is a selective listener, picking and choosing parts of the message that they want to hear but filtering out the rest.

8. Physical barriers   These are all of the physical and verbal barriers around you every day; noise, delays in transmissions, length of message, restrictions in asking questions, and/or the attractiveness of the message.

We have just touched on some basic difficulties in communication. Look forward to more blogs on communication in the near future. For now take these common barriers and see what you can do differently in your own style to make a difference in the way you hold a conversation with others. In particular the way you speak with your kids. I know I perceive things differently then they do and I certainly jump to conclusions when I hear something crash!

For more information please visit www.ourbreakthroughs.com. I would love to hear your comments.

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Self-fulfilling Prophecy and Parenting

By | May 10th, 2017|Tags: , , , , , |

Have you ever thought of how self-fulfilling prophecy affects your parenting? First we have to define self-fulfilling prophecy, because I have a suspicion that not too many parents have stopped to think about it. Which is too bad because it could change the outcome of many negative experiences for the better.

Self-fulfilling prophecy is a concept that suggests that you project the outcome of an event before it occurs, and then make it happen. Have you ever presumed that somebody didn’t like you so you put up a wall to make sure you wouldn’t get hurt. That wall put off the person who then had no choice but not to like you because you weren’t approachable. It’s not that you weren’t a nice person or that you didn’t have things in common.

Take the same scenario and challenge yourself to greet people you don’t know with openness and kindness. Now you are approachable and now you recognize that you have something in common with this person and can make the choice to strike up a conversation or not.

Another example is thinking I’m going to be so mad when I get home and see… You are projecting an outcome prior to the event happening and in the meantime you are planning your course of action which includes feeling the emotion of anger, which is a difficult emotion to let go of. When you get home it isn’t as bad as you thought…but you are already angry and overreact.

You are driving home to the same scenario. This time work on keeping an open mind, remembering this too shall pass, and how you can make this a learning situation. You aren’t starting angry. You can assess whats happened with a clear head. It changes the outcome of the event.

Self-fulfilling prophecy is a cycle  which in our two examples started with, you have beliefs that influence our actions toward others, which impacts other beliefs about us, which causes others actions toward us, which reinforces our beliefs about ourselves.

Now that we have defined self-fulfilling prophecy do you see how it can affect your parenting?

How can you use this concept in your favor? Have you ever used an affirmation? An affirmation can be a belief which affects how we treat others, which impacts others beliefs in us, which causes other actions toward us, which then reinforces our belief or affirmation. Now you know that affirmations can work, you just have to believe in them!

For more information please visit www.ourbreakthroughs.com. I welcome your comments.

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