Anger Management

Take 5

By | August 22nd, 2017|Tags: , , , , , , |

Today I’m here to help you be more mindful the next time you are angry with your child and trying to give a lesson in the moment. The problem is that we are tunnel visioned when we are angry and less rational. Why is that a problem? Your child is learning more then one lesson from you during this interaction.

First they are learning how to communicate. They may not yell at you, but they may start yelling at their siblings to express their anger. They may point their finger, ignore whats being said, shake their head, any number of mannerisms that you portray. Kids model what they see. If you want to raise a child who is respectful to loved ones, even during argument, best to cool down before preceding with the lesson. 

Second they are learning about respect. My husband tells our sons they have to respect him because he is their father. In the same conversation we teach them that respect is earned. It is a confusing message. I make every effort not to correct my husband in front of our children, so the only way that I can make sure that I am earning their respect in my conversations with them is to be sure that I am heard and then listen back.

Finally they are learning about consistency. If you allow yourself the time to think about your course of action then you are allowing yourself time to be consistent with your parenting.

It’s easy to fly off the hook when you get angry and yell at your child for something they’ve done. Im just asking for you to stop and think for a moment.  You’re providing more than one lesson in the moments following an event than you may think. It’s worth a five minute breather, to collect your thoughts, get a sip of water and then tackle the problem.

For more parenting tips or information on using positive reinforcement visit my website at www.ourbreakthroughs.com!

Angry in a Flash

By | June 4th, 2017|Tags: , , , , , , , , |

There is more in a moment of anger than we credit; many different internal and external factors are at play. We have little control over some, but, we always have control over our reactions. We need to remember that when it comes to our children. Everyone has experienced when spilled milk one day is just an accident and the next day it is clumsiness and cause for a stern talking to.  It’s confusing to be a child.

Anger is the result of three things, something happening, how we experience it and ultimately how we react. The parent who experienced the spilled milk and was angry one day but wasn’t the day before had other internal and external things that affected their response. Lets take a closer look at the difference between internal and external factors and how they affect a person’s anger.

As we progress through life events go through our experience filter. It’s this filter that helps us decode how we feel about everything based on past experience, culture, upbringing, gender, race, or religion. Those feelings ultimately direct our reactions, impacts how we respond, even to something as simple as a glass of spilled milk. How would a glass of spilled milk impact you? If it makes a laud noise? If it breaks something? If you are embarrassed in front of friends or family? These are all examples of internal things that provoke anger because it is how we respond to external stimuli. These events alone are not a common trigger. Even though the events are external they are going through your experience filter and your internal belief structure that is impacting how you are relate to an incident.

Other internal factors that are easier to relate to are fatigue, pressure, conflict and insecurity. These have direct impact on how we choose to respond to an event.

When thinking about external factors one must think about the events that he or she experienced and the circumstances under which they occurred. For example think about the things in your life that caused you stress. Did you come up with any frustrations, annoyances, abuses, injustices, harassments, hurts, disappointments, or threats? These are all stimuli that activate your anger. It is clear that not all of us react the same way. A bully might see an insult as humorous from someone smaller; however, if threatened his response would be quite different. External factors are different from internal in that they alone can cause anger. They don’t need to go through your experience filter to stimulate a reaction.

It is understandable that people have different reactions to the same event. No two days are the same and our experiences throughout the day have an impact on how we treat those who cross our path. Understanding the factors that go into anger gives you a tool set to make different choices. Knowing that you are walking into a situation when you are tired and feeling vulnerable should warn you to go easy or to schedule a better time to have important conversations. If your child spills a glass of milk and you feel your temperature rise ask yourself some very important questions.

    1. Where is my stress gauge?
    2. Do I already feel anger about another incident?

These questions might help you from making saying and doing things that you will regret later.

If you have any questions or you would like to look up more information on behavior management, please visit our website at www.ourbreakthroughs.com. Vlinder is a behavior management game created to encourage communication, cooperation and connection in the family. To learn more visit us here.

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Out With the Old

By | May 2nd, 2017|Tags: , , , , , |

One of the great things about any good behavior modification system is that you can watch the undesirable behavior slowly correct itself. With games like Vlinder you often see change occur quickly. Please note that it takes time for it to have a lasting affect. Poor habits do not form over night, nor do the remedies. Once you choose negative behaviors that you want to focus on, it is important not to overstimulate or overburden the child. Pick one at a time that you can slowly integrate into your plan.

With Vlinder there is a list of responsibilities or expectations that your child has already set to accomplish each morning. By using the two-three extra spaces at bottom of the Task Sheet you can add your positive goals. 

As an example, if your child is hitting their siblings at home, two replacement behaviors may be, not hitting their siblings and showing acts of leadership. Generally you have one behavior that is the exact opposite and then one behavior that is doing an act to replace their time in a positive fashion.

Another example is if your child is still wetting the bed. The first replacement would be not wetting the bed and the second could be keeping their bed made.

A behavior modification system works because of the positive and negative reinforcers that are in play. A driving force in a game like Vlinder is the idea of earning stamps, thus earning the reward cards. For those who have played the game, you know that there is as much value in the stamp as there is in the reward itself. It is something that is earned. The tears never come from not earning the right reward, but they do come from not earning a stamp. Find your motivators and you have found the leverage to help you turn any negative behavior into the good behavior that you are looking for.

Breakthrough, LLC is the proud distributor of Vlinder. Please visit us at www.ourbreakthroughs.com for more information at behavior modification, our game Vlinder or other parenting information.

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Positive Reinforcement and Anger Management

By | December 12th, 2016|Tags: , , , , |

Here are some signs that your child may have an anger management problem.  Continue reading for some helpful tips on how to help modify unwanted behavior. 

  1. Is your child argumentative, ready to enter a debate without thought of subject matter or consequence? 
  2. Does your child have problems with impulse control?  This can appear in different forms including verbal outbursts or even physically acting out. 
  3. Does your child threaten harm to self or others as a negotiation tactic? 
  4. Does your child have difficulty accepting responsibility? 
  5. Is your child difficult to calm down following an altercation or misunderstanding?
  6. Does your child appear pessimistic and unable to see a brighter side?
  7. Is your child uncooperative and unwilling to follow directions no matter how straight forward?
  8. Is your child easily frustrated when presented with a new task or problem?

Collectively these signs of anger management issues may indicate that it is time to see a therapist or other specialist in order to reach a proper diagnosis.  The internet is helpful in understanding underlying problems, it should in no way take the place of professionals. 

There are; however, things that you can do at home to help manage your child’s anger.  First of all, acknowledge that anger is a normal emotion.  It is the actions that result from anger that need to be addressed.

The next part is sometimes difficult for parents to grasp.  Although there needs to be consequences for negative behavior, there are times when positive behavior should receive more attention.  Instead of getting frustrated and providing attention when your child misbehaves… use that energy to praise your child when they are behaving.  Be sure you take time to explain why you are proud and happy of their positive behavior.   Be prepared to reward.  If you child is aware of your expectations and they have something to work for then your child is more likely to repeat the positive behavior.  Change takes time and is inevitable!

For more information on positive reinforcement and behavior modification techniques visit me at www.ourbreakthroughs.com.  Breakthrough provides a positive reinforcement parenting aide called Vlinder. 

$5 Coupon Code: VLINDER

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