Parenting

My Kid is a Liar

By | July 4th, 2017|Tags: , , , , , , |

I can still remember the look on my child’s face when he got caught in his first lie. It was the perfect mixture of defiance and embarrassment with neither behavior wanting to make an appearance. He wasn’t sure how to face the disappointment he had caused yet desperately wanted to find a loophole out of the situation. It was a hard lesson that day and it wasn’t the last. The fact is kids start “lying” for a variety of reasons and it isn’t until they are older that it starts to become deliberate and something that needs an intentional intervention.

There is no question that lying is a learned and even accepted behavior when growing up. I expect preschoolers enjoy believing their favorite Disney character lives somewhere in their world. I also expect they enjoy sharing their make believe adventures. Even as our kiddos get older and blame their make believe friends for spilled milk, somehow the sweetness of the story allows us to give the lesson to the friend, letting our kiddo off the hook.

I’m not saying that any of this is wrong! It is just important to understand that your kid is not inherently bad because they started lying about things that are suddenly more important in your eyes. Now it is time for your kiddo to start learning the value of telling the truth. This lesson deserves the same consistency that their previous lessons in lying received.

It is important to understand what your motivation is. In this case it is for your child to tell the truth. If your motivation is for your child to stop lying then you will be looking for and expecting poor behavior. It is not as powerful a message. Trust me…look for the positive, you and your child will be happier.

Next you want to set up a reward system. What are some of the behaviors that will show that they are telling the truth? The most obvious is a daily honesty reward. This would be on the honor system. Another could be what I call an ownership reward. There isn’t a day that goes by that my kids can’t take ownership of starting an argument, leaving clothing, etc. Finally I love creating a leadership reward. This reward is earned by showing leadership skills around the house and family.

The rewards are recognition stamps or stickers for a job well done. Its up to you to decide how many need to be earned to earn a larger reward. It is important for your child to work for something they want. If you have weekly goals and rewards then make them smaller. If you want to work towards a friend movie party, let him work at it for a while.

If you have more questions about setting up a reward system visit my website at www.ourbreakthroughs.com. You can also reach out to me at jenn@ourbreakthroughs.com 

This is a good blog to help you understand the difference between a bribe and a reward.

A Child’s First Pet

By | June 10th, 2017|Tags: , , , |

Parents reach a point in their child’s lives when they start thinking about pet ownership. It is a wonderful way to teach responsibility and empathy. It is not a decision to be taken lightly. Far to many pets are left abandoned as a result of a fun family endeavor. Here are some considerations to review before a trip to the pet store.

How old is your child? The age of your child can dictate what type of pet you should get, or if you should get one at all. If you have a baby wait to get a family pet. Your baby will get the lions share of the attention, and rightly so. This will make it more difficult for your pet to connect with your family. Younger children do well with pets confined to cages. That makes it easier to monitor their play and gives the pet a break from eager hands. As your children age so does their ability to accept more responsibility. Remember that if you are getting a teenager a pet that eventually that pet will likely become your responsibility. 

How aggressive is your child? Children learn a lot about empathy by owning a pet, they don’t come by it naturally. The more aggressive your child the more you may want to think about starting the lesson by buying a fish. Remember the safety of the animal as well as the safety of the child. Animals will follow their instincts and defend themselves, which can be a ticket to the pound.

How responsible is your child? The newness of owning a pet can be thrilling and the list of chores that are added to your child’s daily routine seem minute compared to the fun to be had; however, when the newness wears off are you prepared to be consistent in your discipline? Responsibility has to be learned and won’t be if you takeover care of the pet.

Is your child prepared for a new pet? Kids come up with all sorts of reasons for wanting a pet, but are they prepared? With the internet at our fingertips, there is no excuse for them not to know what they are getting into. You can learn about the tendencies of a breed, what they eat, what type of habitat they thrive in and how to train them. You can also learn what specific behaviors mean. For example, a dog wagging his tail may mean he is happy, but it could also mean that they are anxious.

How serious is your child about pet ownership?  Does your child have a lot of good ideas but poor follow through? If that is the case, think about getting a pet with a short life span or one that is up there in years. It is a lot better than having to take over care and allow your child to learn that it is ok to give up on a responsibility. It would be even worse to abandon a pet because you weren’t prepared to care for it yourself.

Pets are a lot of fun and a lot of work. With the right game plan everybody can win in this exciting time. Whatever your decision, remember to spay or neuter your pet.

For more please come visit my website at www.ourbreakthroughs.com.

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Angry in a Flash

By | June 4th, 2017|Tags: , , , , , , , , |

There is more in a moment of anger than we credit; many different internal and external factors are at play. We have little control over some, but, we always have control over our reactions. We need to remember that when it comes to our children. Everyone has experienced when spilled milk one day is just an accident and the next day it is clumsiness and cause for a stern talking to.  It’s confusing to be a child.

Anger is the result of three things, something happening, how we experience it and ultimately how we react. The parent who experienced the spilled milk and was angry one day but wasn’t the day before had other internal and external things that affected their response. Lets take a closer look at the difference between internal and external factors and how they affect a person’s anger.

As we progress through life events go through our experience filter. It’s this filter that helps us decode how we feel about everything based on past experience, culture, upbringing, gender, race, or religion. Those feelings ultimately direct our reactions, impacts how we respond, even to something as simple as a glass of spilled milk. How would a glass of spilled milk impact you? If it makes a laud noise? If it breaks something? If you are embarrassed in front of friends or family? These are all examples of internal things that provoke anger because it is how we respond to external stimuli. These events alone are not a common trigger. Even though the events are external they are going through your experience filter and your internal belief structure that is impacting how you are relate to an incident.

Other internal factors that are easier to relate to are fatigue, pressure, conflict and insecurity. These have direct impact on how we choose to respond to an event.

When thinking about external factors one must think about the events that he or she experienced and the circumstances under which they occurred. For example think about the things in your life that caused you stress. Did you come up with any frustrations, annoyances, abuses, injustices, harassments, hurts, disappointments, or threats? These are all stimuli that activate your anger. It is clear that not all of us react the same way. A bully might see an insult as humorous from someone smaller; however, if threatened his response would be quite different. External factors are different from internal in that they alone can cause anger. They don’t need to go through your experience filter to stimulate a reaction.

It is understandable that people have different reactions to the same event. No two days are the same and our experiences throughout the day have an impact on how we treat those who cross our path. Understanding the factors that go into anger gives you a tool set to make different choices. Knowing that you are walking into a situation when you are tired and feeling vulnerable should warn you to go easy or to schedule a better time to have important conversations. If your child spills a glass of milk and you feel your temperature rise ask yourself some very important questions.

    1. Where is my stress gauge?
    2. Do I already feel anger about another incident?

These questions might help you from making saying and doing things that you will regret later.

If you have any questions or you would like to look up more information on behavior management, please visit our website at www.ourbreakthroughs.com. Vlinder is a behavior management game created to encourage communication, cooperation and connection in the family. To learn more visit us here.

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Summer is Here Now What?

By | May 29th, 2017|Tags: , , , , , |

School is almost over and families everywhere are planning for summer. The last thing you want is to have kids hanging around playing video games. We no longer live in an age where one can say, “Be back before dark”. Where are the days when summer meant lazing around the pool with friends! The good news is that caregivers everywhere can add event coordinator to their resume. I was amazed to find out what that involved.

I’ve done some research on the web and I’m exhausted looking at what parents do nowadays to keep their children entertained. Making daily plans, setting summer goals, finding daycare, camps, daily journals, playdates, outings, daily and weekly activities just to name a few. Alone they don’t seem daunting but none of the websites I found had just one of them…they had all of them. Think about how much this costs. It’s unreasonable in this economy. Many families can’t keep up. Lets not forget about families where both parents work. How do they find the time?  Keeping up with the Joneses is no longer about a white picket fence…

I decided to brainstorm and come up with some ideas of my own.

  1. Mom clubs Plan with other moms to trade off. Your kids will be out of the house a day or two a week depending on how you structure your club.
  2. Hire a babysitter Someone who will be your helper. You can train and learn how to work together the best. You probably won’t be paying them as but as they learn and progress you can pay them more. Perhaps you will feel more comfortable letting your kids have more freedom around the neighbor hood or on adventures, your choice. In the meantime you are helping another kiddo get some valuable skills.
  3. Have a structured behavior chart Explain to your kiddos what you want them to do and reward them when they accomplish it. (www.ourbreakthroughs.com)
  4. Phone Numbers Put up a list of friend’s phone numbers next to the family telephone so that they can call friends during the summer to stay in touch.
  5. Reading Club Start a reading club where kids can meet and talk about the latest books. This would be particularly helpful for the working parent that needs to have their groups held later in the day to stay involved.

I am overwhelmed with the expectations that are put on parents these days. I think when you take one or two of the examples above like playdates and daily journal and put them together for a day that is more than enough.

For the parents that have older kids I would issue a word of caution. Allow your child to be in charge of their own social calendar. Learning how to find friends is an important skill. Finding playdates for your child ends. If they aren’t asking to make phone calls or have people over it may be a sign for problems that you will want to address.

Kids do not have to be occupied every second of the day. If they are having a slow day they still should keep the electronic devices turned off, slow it down and read a book. I’m now sure if our children know how to manage boredom. They are constantly entertained by cellphones and video games. This need for constant stimulation can be damaging, but that is another blog!

Contact me at my website at www.ourbreakthroughs.com. I would love to hear your comments. Share your ideas. If there is something that you would like to write about then let me know. We can discuss your audience!

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Barriers to Communication

By | May 11th, 2017|Tags: , , , , , , , |

We go through life doing our best to be understood. But lets face it, it can be difficult. So many people coming from so many different walks of life. Each person having their own experience filter which has the ability to distort a message. The best we can do is be aware of the challenges of effective communication and do our part. As parents we do a little more by teaching our kids.

Communication is a skill. Spoken communication relies on three personal factors. First, self-concept, which impacts how you organize your world, which in turn affects how you communicate. Second, the ability to give information clearly and finally being able to listen effectively. Without understanding a message communication cannot take place.

These eight barriers to communication impact all three of the above personal factors. As you read through the list think about how often you are the donor or the recipient. Later you can think about how you can do it differently.

1. Perception and interpretation  It is not possible for two people to experience the same thing the same way. We all come from different genetics, backgrounds, education, experience, etc which all impact the way we take and interpret information.

2. Generalizations and bias  We are used to seeing things a certain way and it takes effort to open our minds.

3. Jumping to conclusions  We often get to the outcome before we have been given all of the facts.

4. Assumptions  The idea that perceptions are unique is all but ignored when someone presumes that others thoughts are like their own.

5. Multiple meanings  All messages can have different meanings when viewed from different angles or different perspectives.

6. Dilution  A message loses its intended meaning the more interpretations or people it passes through.

7. Message sent, but not received  This is a selective listener, picking and choosing parts of the message that they want to hear but filtering out the rest.

8. Physical barriers   These are all of the physical and verbal barriers around you every day; noise, delays in transmissions, length of message, restrictions in asking questions, and/or the attractiveness of the message.

We have just touched on some basic difficulties in communication. Look forward to more blogs on communication in the near future. For now take these common barriers and see what you can do differently in your own style to make a difference in the way you hold a conversation with others. In particular the way you speak with your kids. I know I perceive things differently then they do and I certainly jump to conclusions when I hear something crash!

For more information please visit www.ourbreakthroughs.com. I would love to hear your comments.

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Self-fulfilling Prophecy and Parenting

By | May 10th, 2017|Tags: , , , , , |

Have you ever thought of how self-fulfilling prophecy affects your parenting? First we have to define self-fulfilling prophecy, because I have a suspicion that not too many parents have stopped to think about it. Which is too bad because it could change the outcome of many negative experiences for the better.

Self-fulfilling prophecy is a concept that suggests that you project the outcome of an event before it occurs, and then make it happen. Have you ever presumed that somebody didn’t like you so you put up a wall to make sure you wouldn’t get hurt. That wall put off the person who then had no choice but not to like you because you weren’t approachable. It’s not that you weren’t a nice person or that you didn’t have things in common.

Take the same scenario and challenge yourself to greet people you don’t know with openness and kindness. Now you are approachable and now you recognize that you have something in common with this person and can make the choice to strike up a conversation or not.

Another example is thinking I’m going to be so mad when I get home and see… You are projecting an outcome prior to the event happening and in the meantime you are planning your course of action which includes feeling the emotion of anger, which is a difficult emotion to let go of. When you get home it isn’t as bad as you thought…but you are already angry and overreact.

You are driving home to the same scenario. This time work on keeping an open mind, remembering this too shall pass, and how you can make this a learning situation. You aren’t starting angry. You can assess whats happened with a clear head. It changes the outcome of the event.

Self-fulfilling prophecy is a cycle  which in our two examples started with, you have beliefs that influence our actions toward others, which impacts other beliefs about us, which causes others actions toward us, which reinforces our beliefs about ourselves.

Now that we have defined self-fulfilling prophecy do you see how it can affect your parenting?

How can you use this concept in your favor? Have you ever used an affirmation? An affirmation can be a belief which affects how we treat others, which impacts others beliefs in us, which causes other actions toward us, which then reinforces our belief or affirmation. Now you know that affirmations can work, you just have to believe in them!

For more information please visit www.ourbreakthroughs.com. I welcome your comments.

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Out With the Old

By | May 2nd, 2017|Tags: , , , , , |

One of the great things about any good behavior modification system is that you can watch the undesirable behavior slowly correct itself. With games like Vlinder you often see change occur quickly. Please note that it takes time for it to have a lasting affect. Poor habits do not form over night, nor do the remedies. Once you choose negative behaviors that you want to focus on, it is important not to overstimulate or overburden the child. Pick one at a time that you can slowly integrate into your plan.

With Vlinder there is a list of responsibilities or expectations that your child has already set to accomplish each morning. By using the two-three extra spaces at bottom of the Task Sheet you can add your positive goals. 

As an example, if your child is hitting their siblings at home, two replacement behaviors may be, not hitting their siblings and showing acts of leadership. Generally you have one behavior that is the exact opposite and then one behavior that is doing an act to replace their time in a positive fashion.

Another example is if your child is still wetting the bed. The first replacement would be not wetting the bed and the second could be keeping their bed made.

A behavior modification system works because of the positive and negative reinforcers that are in play. A driving force in a game like Vlinder is the idea of earning stamps, thus earning the reward cards. For those who have played the game, you know that there is as much value in the stamp as there is in the reward itself. It is something that is earned. The tears never come from not earning the right reward, but they do come from not earning a stamp. Find your motivators and you have found the leverage to help you turn any negative behavior into the good behavior that you are looking for.

Breakthrough, LLC is the proud distributor of Vlinder. Please visit us at www.ourbreakthroughs.com for more information at behavior modification, our game Vlinder or other parenting information.

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Enough is Enough

By | April 23rd, 2017|Tags: , , , , |

How can you tell if you are overindulging your children? That is a tough question. For some, giving what you didn’t have as a child is overindulgence. It doesn’t really matter who is right. I think parents generally are pretty intelligent people and know when they are going overboard. What matters is a pattern of overindulgence can be harmful for your child. Not being able to recognize negative consequences leads to poor coping strategies.

What we do instead is offer reasonable solutions to our children when confronted with negative consequences. Allow them to learn from their mistakes and build strategies to become stronger, wiser and independent young adults. Here are some tips that parents and kids can work on together…

  1. Be grateful for what you have.
  2. Make sure to set and follow through with consequences.
  3. Share how it feels when your kindness is taken for granted.
  4. Work on communication skills between parent and child.
  5. Accept that patterns of over-indulgence can harm a child’s ability to function in life.
  6. Provide a lesson teaching the difference between needs and wants.
  7. Learn how to set boundaries and stay firm.

I believe that we all have the best interest of our children in mind. When we vowed not to make the same mistakes as our parents or that our kids would never “go without” we did not mean harm. But in some cases that is exactly what is happening and it is time to take a look at our parenting plan and rethink some strategies. Patterns that have set over a period of time can be difficult to identify and change. Using the steps above are a step in the right direction. Creating new patterns which don’t include overindulging your children is another!

I encourage conversation on my Facebook support group, Parenting With Intention…I also welcome your comments. For more parenting advice or to learn more about behavior modification visit us at www.ourbreakthroughs.com.

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Is Your Child Really Sick? Are They Trying to Tell You Something?

By | March 22nd, 2017|Tags: , , , , , , , |

Does your child fake being sick to get out of going to school? Recently I have been confronted with this challenge. I wish if they are going to get sick they would get a good old dose of the flu, it takes the decision making out of the equation. A fever means staying home quietly with a good book. It’s more concerning to me when my child delivers a performance, feigning illness to avoid the classroom. What is he really saying?

Perhaps nothing is going on. Perhaps your child is in the middle of a good book and can’t wait to finish it. But inventing stories to avoid school could also be a shout out for help. This is a good opportunity for you to ask if there is anything going on with friends or schoolmates. Perhaps he needs help with some homework. It may also be a larger problem such as bullying.

Children worry about life at home. If your child is feeling an unnecessary stressor due to events in the home they may feel like they need to stay close by.  This may be an important time for you to do an inventory on your own home life and reassure your child that they are safe.

As busy parents we often run on auto-pilot and it is good to slow down and look for the meaning behind our children’s actions. Patterns are created because the action works over time. If your child continues to create stories to get out of going to school, better to nip this in the bud early. Discover the reason and solve the problem before it turns into a behavior.

I encourage conversation on my Facebook support group, Parenting With Intention…I also welcome your comments. For more parenting advice or to learn more about behavior modification visit us at www.ourbreakthroughs.com.

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Finders Keepers – A Mother’s Search for Reasonable Rewards

By | March 16th, 2017|Tags: , , , , , |

Kids are given so many “things” nowadays. It seems as though when it comes to Birthdays and Christmas I’ve run out of gift ideas because of all the giving that I’ve already done. I know I’m not the only one. So when it came to creating my behavior modification program it was important to me to find rewards around the house that involved time spent with family, friends, and other social ingredients. Knowing how hard it was going to be to find enough rewards to make up my program I wondered if all of them would hold enough value to motivate.

It proved no easy task. I sat on my couch for hours, with eyes closed, mentally roaming my home, pretending to be my kids and thinking of things they like to do. Different times of day. Different people to associate with. Different animals to play with. I would use all of my senses to imagine what they could earn as a reward that would motivate them to want to earn it again.

The funny thing is a lot of the things I came up with, I would let them do regardless. I decided to do a test run. I was curious how they would respond to rewards like “play with a pet” compared to “30 minutes of electronics on a school night”. Would one reward hold more value and make them work harder than another?

The answer was they all worked the same. Initially I wondered if it was the newness of working with Vlinder, the name of the program. Families that were part of a pilot project reported similar findings, however. Although some rewards held, what were considered a higher pay value, they did not make the kiddos work any harder during the day then cards that had a lesser pay value. Kids reported enjoying the process. They liked understanding what was expected of them (which is part of their task sheets), they liked picking out of a bin, not knowing what reward they were going to get, even if it was a bummer card. They enjoyed carrying out the reward or having the anticipating of being able to carry out the reward. Overall it is a win-win.

Vlinder found the kids motivation to complete any tasks that were put before them on a task sheet. The added bonus is the amount of valued family time that comes with the rewards. I was pleasantly surprised that my kids often choose cuddle time as their reward. I always love it when they get to pick the meal, not only do they pick but they often help with the meal as well. Daddy loves it when they pick Daddy Day as their special Weekly reward. Again we would gladly do it without the game, but with the game we make sure to set aside the time to do it in a timely fashion. The kids have a strong feeling of accomplishment and pride.

It continues to be important for me to bring up to participants and friends that one of the largest learning experiences for me has been that no matter the pay-value of the reward, kids want the recognition. One of the things that Vlinder does an excellent job of is explains to kids what they need to do to get that same recognition. The rewards make it fun, the game pieces make it fun.

If you would like to learn more about Vlinder, Behavior Modification and other parenting advice please come and visit us at www.ourbreakthroughs.com. You can also call us at (707) 773-7654.

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